Pain is actually weaknesses going away from your body.

peace be upon you.

yes you read that. pain is actually weaknesses going away from your body. i dont know how but this quote actually does give impact to my own self. especially on my diet routine that i just started. i've stopped do diet for quite sometimes and it brings no good. i feel like a loser.

i think ive told you right about how i diet? yup. i am. i do 'diet mati' which i starve and do real intense workouts but naah not gonna do that this time. im done with that. thing is diet is not only regarding my own body shape or how i eat but its actually diet on my mental aspect. how? i will explain later. thing is now, i have this huge war going on in myself. first, i feel like a loser to be exact.

*sigh*

why am i saying so? first is about my weight. LOL i know its not a real good topic to be discussed but yeah its actually bothered me that much since i have real huge thigh and its not that pretty when im wearing skinny even though im actually will fit it up with long shirt to cover my butt. other part of my body is okay okay but then when it comes to thigh i will absolutely gonna deep sigh to my own self.

'there are no fat girls in the world, only lazy bums.'

so now im actually have stopped eating that much, ive stopped eating nasi or if as IF i get too hungry i will have just a little nice small scoop of rice. just to have that full feelings. ive stopped eating late at night and im really careful about what i eat. a medium size of McD fries is actually have more calories than five bowls of fruit slices. super scary.

but gah cant deny the fact that fries does taste good. tsk.

and yes! ive started my regime back! not gonna believe this but yeah everyday, when i just woke up from sleep, i will directly do 30 sit up and drink plenty of water before i off my bed. then everyday i will do 1000 skips which 500 in the morning and another balance will be in the evening. and if i want to, i add up another 30 sit up. later at night before off to sleep i will do another 30 sit up. the reason why i do sit up is because it actually helps my digestion. trust me. it really does. it helps me to avoid bloating. bloating is ' kembung perut' it does not pleasant you know when you wear skinny and pop there is this hideous bloating appears.

naah, not pretty.

second it goes to my English. i dont know if you noticed but if you actually examine back what i just wrote up here, i do actually have real big problems with my grammar. i do know this for quite sometimes. yeah loser me. i know. my lecturers used to say once i do actually can talk, no intention to brag but i can talk really fluent but when it comes to writing. sucks! stupid mistakes everywhere. but then there is this one night, this person does actually like hammered me on my head and woke me up and made me realized that my language is actually a disturbances to everyone.

im not here to say that i dont appreciate your help to correct my grammar but after knowing that later that night you told that my language disturbed you, somehow that pretty little short sentence spoke by you actually sadden me. i do offended to be true, but hey , if no one ever say that to me, how possible i will realize that i need to improve more? i mean dude, im 20 and still doing silly mistakes on my grammar just not cute. and that night i actually didn't sleep and later that morning i deactivated my twitter. not to mention i cried that bad. i realized that i actually spent most of my times on tweeting and it brings no good at all. i committed myself on that social feed for wayyy too much and i realized i've stopped improving. hey dont be silly. im not a little kid that block someone just because i get offended by some wake up call. i don't and i will never be. thanks to you anyway. you should be proud of yourself. yes you should.  i wonder if people realized that im gone. nah, no one will i guess.

by that, now on i spend most of my time on books, in a way to improve my English, i play guitar more, especially learning new chords and techniques. i feel more content with myself. oh yeah another thing that made me realized this is on my final, when i study, i realized there is too much thing i didnt study for heaven sake, i dont even bother to read those notes even when its actually what i supposed to do long ago. now its final, baru nak terhegeh hegeh nak buka buku. how loser. thats why i came up with the idea to deactivate my twitter.

its hard. i swear. its like my world ya know.

but i know, its my first step, and how i pray and wish this will last long. i mean its kinda pity to delete my twitter but for my own benefit, i just HAVE to do this. i will prove it that i can. i know i can do this. i wanna be the last Shaika back. seriously. until i fulfill the requirements, i will stop torturing myself.

i learnt everything in hard way, and only hard way can actually teach me better.every things that bring pain will someday bring huge pleasure that i know i will appreciate it even more.

i will have presumably two months for my semester break. i do have several goals that i want to achieve and one of it is i wanna have my 47kg back. i honestly want 45kg but thinking it back, if i be on that weight again, my body will totally be in no shape. and its not pleasant for my eyes. LOL.

anyway, this, i've said it. i've wrote it and i will definitely PROVE it. i'll be better someday. you just wait.