Huge crush.

crush. atau dalam bahasa melayu nya minat. aku sure pasti ramai yang ada crush. aku pun tak terkecuali.

aku sebenarnya dah lama crsuh with this one guy yang aku kenal di matriks. time tu baru awal awal kemasukan lagi. well, tak adalah dikira awal sangat. boleh kata like two or three months after. ceritanya, this guy leave a comment kat blog aku ( this blog ) asking if i am kmpkian. and siap tulis nama lagi. wow. a weird thing for me. cause selalu ramai je unknown. well from that aku nampak dia macam looking for a friend lah kan. for me. so yeah.

aku tak minat nak tau pun who is this guy, so this one night aku sembang ngan besty aku syaza and we talk about all those rugby kids. well honest im not a fan of rugby, like really am not. aku rasa rugby sangat kasar. teramat ganas. pelik how people can play that game even satu penghormatan kalau dorang patah tulang. say my adik, wakil sekolah. well, anyway syaza do mention this guy name S and i was like wait. macam pernah dengar nama tu. dejavu. i say his full name as mention on the blog. and syaza yes ! that guy. dia like terkejut how can that S guy tetiba know me. i mean know my existence something. aku pun pelik.

so starting from that moment aku start to know about this guy. its not that aku cari this guy but fortunately we just keep on bumping each other bila kawan kawan meet up. aku tak kenal mamat ni until syaza told that, that is S. so yeah. my very first impression when i see this guy is that not the look
lah. i won't categorise him as handsome but cute actually. he is rugby buddy and presented a well-known association which not everyone have the chance to be in. i guess so. well thats not the point where i started to like him.

he is quite famous and well boleh kata hot stuff la but what make me like the attitude is when bila fikir balik , all the scene where i meet so-called hot stuff yang well ramai kenal ramai yang nak berkawan and stuff dorang akan bongkak. like really they set their mind 'not everyone can befriend with me.' like that tau. im quite annoyed. but with this guy, he is different. dia just talk sincerely with everyone. which is quite wow for me. haha but ada satu je benda pelik after the talk. aku tanya syaza, dia ni player ke? haha cause each time things came out from his mouth semua macam ayat player nak mati ah. lol. whatever.

itu pun that is when he know im the shaika. the blog writer,. I GUESS.

honest , aku tak sedar sebenarnya when aku tersuka pulak kat dia. i notice this is when aku start buat banyak benda sebabkan dia. like banyak set my mind i do this for him and stuff which is weird. example watch his match, find all the newspaper related bout his match, ingat apa yang dia apply for uni even aku hafal and stuff,. owh do have i mention dia budak satu lecture aku? well yeah. aku benci tengok dia pakai kemeja hijau. buruk. ahahahaha lol. no. jujur ni.

sampai satu masa aku terfikir asal aku buat semua ni ? so i read this one artikel bout this and yeah actually aku dah suka dia. arghh seram doh. cause aku tau bila aku fall, aku akan fall hard and aku akan jadi bodoh. teramat bodoh .aku akan buat  benda yang memang kalau fikir dua kali aku akan rasa macam nak lempang diri banyak kali. like past experience,. aku try nak elakkan.

and yeah readers, crush with someone is a pain cause you know you just weak lame ass that got no ball yang too afraid to tell people you like them and you just can't own someone. thats weak.

sha, the other besty of mine rapat ngan kitorang berdua and she said that kitorang actually suka each other. she can detect it. somehow. haha susah kalau ada besty ni. lol.

but here is something yang aku fikir for quite some time. aku jujur bukan seorang minah yang takut tuk cakap yang aku suka someone. i have the ball man. not saying that desperate or what but thinking nowadays pattern, aku tak rasa perempuan just have to stay still about this. if you like someone, do something lah kan. why wait?

but this guy reallly i mean reallyyyyyy make me shut out. to compare him and me it just .. i don't know i just think its not gonna work. i mean what the heck if you crushing someone for more than a year right? who cares about that? who bother? i mean look at him and look at me. we're a complete different world. like memang tak boleh. i think you know how that feels right ? kita mesti akan crush someone yang kita tak akan dapat. thats normal. i guess.

so when i think that, it just make me take this step. ok if he is on that level, why can't i be on that level too ? i mean why don't i improve myself. so i call this a power of crush i guess? too much i guess. haha. i have to say im quite chubby cause time matriks dulu aku stress kot. so makan banyak. then to change, everyday, aku buat 1000 skips and 60 sit up everyday just to get my body back. the size of 47 kg. it hurts. it really hurts.

after u 've done all of that, it just your body goes numb. your muscle riot. you walk like robot. i still remember every moment i do the skipping, i get tired, hardly breath but when i remind myself why i do this in the first place, i get the strengh to do it again. it just weird. power of crush. haha.

it turns out pretty great. after a few months i meet my besty Aya at ipoh. she told me i really have change. i look slim. well siapa tak happy. so now i got my body back. but not reach my target yet. target aku is i want to get my skinny thigh back. i want it back. i do this not just because for S but actually to satisfy myself.

bila a day korang dapat buat 1000 skips, lillah kepuasan tu tak terkata. like serious.

well anyway, the reason why aku tulis benda ni is not because of i want to tell the whole world yang aku weak, got no ball nak bagitau this guy aku suka dia or stuff but apa yang aku nak cakap is try to change the crush that you have towards someone to improve yourself more. if he can be on that level, people admiring him for who he is or for who she is why can't you be like that? i have to tell this. the power of love is so strong that you can turn it into something positive or negative. it depends on you how you rule it. but for me i love it this way. i try to improve myself. i waste nothing, really. :)

truth is, i expect nothing from this guy. cause expectation lead to disappointment. i can't bear any heartbreak. i can't. and actually aku malu tulis this and posting this out but hey i just thought that sharing from heart to heart is not a stupid thing but a sisterhood connection of us. another reason is because of this blog, i know S.

to S, thank you so much for your existence in my life. you've change me without you notice it. i don't expect anything from you but it just enough to know that  you like me back. which happened to be real. im so happy knowing that. you are my motivator and a huge thanks for you. i know you won't bother read my blog. heh plus i believe if you want to you will read this which i know would be the last thing you wanna do. lol.

till then :)

usually any post here aku akan share kat fb or twitter but not this post. teehee.